Unapologetic 2

        I have been thinking about apologies lately. Amy Cooper, a white woman who called 911 in reaction to a Black man who requested that she follow park rules and put here dog on a leash. She indicated she was being harassed and was in fear of her life. Her apology stated that she had not thought about how as a white woman police were a form of protection which is not always the reality for others.

I’ve come to realize especially today that I think of [the police] as a protection agency, and unfortunately, this has caused me to realize that there are so many people in this country that don’t have that luxury. — Amy Cooper

Okay, so she is hundreds of years late to the party of acknowledged white privilege, that is a real situation for many caught in denial. My wonderful cousin Pam once told me a part of a Sunday sermon when the pastor said that denial was

Don’t

Even

kNow

I

Am

Lying.

Even in her denial it may indicate that she seems to be a bit more aware. But it still is not an apology.  In her case she was not just in denial, she was lying. And it is that lying that disturbs me. She did not apologize for telling a lie. Even if she “felt” threatened what in fact happened was a citizen who was bird watching in the park understood that the rule about leashing dogs was important. Instead she acted as though he (a Black man) had just randomly selected her (a white woman) to threaten and possibly assault.  In the end she was blatantly unapologetic, not like some one who apologizes for “everything I did,” or “everything I did that you know about and everything I did that you don’t know about.”

A person who cannot even mouth the words of the wrong they did is explicitly unapologetic.  If one can’t face their wrong doing, “I apologize for lying about…,” I apologize for being disrespectful,” “I apologize for being inconsiderate,” “I apologize for putting your life at risk through my own paranoia, my own racism, my own sense of entitlement. I ask for your forgiveness. I was wrong. I am going to seriously work on these failings.” If one cannot fully and thoughtfully confront their own failings and weaknesses one cannot grow and become a better, stronger more humane human.

An apology is supposed to be an act of contrition, an acknowledgement of a certain sense of shame at one’s act and a sincere expression of remorse. One must in a very visceral way own their actions and engage the idea of a self-correction that has already or will be made as soon as possible.  We live in a very litigiousness society; we will sue in a minute. But often what is really needed and deserved is a sincere apology. To say I’m sorry can be difficult, it also speaks to one’s character, one who is sorry is regretful, but they may also be miserable and pitiful. Hence an often correct response to “I’m sorry”  can be “You sure are.” On the other hand, one can accept or not accept an apology. I in either case the person giving the apology is not dismissed or disparaged. The person who has been given the apology is in some small way honored for their truth.

In these times we must be willing to fully apologize when we have committed a wrong. We apologize as a way to begin to cleanse a wound and promote a healing. No doubt there are times when it is too little, too late.  But right is always right and when we commit a wrong the first action should be a full and gracious apology.  I’ve been hearing a lot of I’m sorry in these tumultuous times and I must say, my usually unsaid response is “yes you are.” I have also had cause to apologize and the responses have varied, “no problem,” “no need to apologize,” “thank you.”  I think we all need to look at the idea of apology and not be too quick to say, “Well they apologized,” when a real apology was never given, and the corrective action that could and should have accompanied the apology was not initiated. When viewing pubic or private apologies one needs to listen clearly and be willing to acknowledge that in truth that sometimes that person was unrepentant and clearly unapologetic.

What are your thoughts on apologies. Have you given or been given an apology that was not an apology but instead an excuse or a distraction? Do you think apologies are important?